Archive | Detachment RSS for this section

Tips On: How to Stop Being Needy or Clingy

It is the least attractive to be around needy or clingy people. Some mutually cling on so much to each other that they lose sight of developing a balance of independence and interdependence.

We all need people and I believe we should all empower each other to have enough faith and confidence to trust the process and believe that all will follow in its natural order. 

People who are busy simply don’t have enough time to be needy; they’re always preoccupied with other things. Just because you are busy doesn’t mean you are selfish. It’s more selfish that you are needy because at the end of the day you are wanting something so much for your own needs that you are relying on another person to fill it.

So have you ever been described as needy or clingy or have you came across people who are? Do you get super jazzed about a new friendship or relationship that you bombard the other person with attention, smothering affection only to find that they distance themselves from you? Do you find yourself wanting to call, text or email someone a whole lot more than they contact you? If so, you’ve probably figured out that neediness is a turn-off to most people–where’s it coming from and how do you get rid of it?

Put on the cruise control and ease of the gas.

Every relationship develops at its own pace–don’t jump to “soulmates” or “BFFL” just because things feel like they are super. Embrace the novelty of it all, and the excitement of having something new, because it’ll never be new again. Be patient and learn to get to really know that person. Chances are that within the first couple of months and seeing how a person reacts to a situation is a good indication how they will continue to act and be. Don’t try and push the connection into a situation for you’re missing the fun and might be creating unnecessary stress. It’s about having fun, trusting the process and going with the flow.

Take off the rose-tinted glasses, ground yourself an get your head out of the clouds for a bit and shift gears. It’s good to stay focused on your life passions and interests. If you find yourself thinking more about the other person rather than yourself you many want to look at why that is. People and things and situations do not last forever…It’s called…life… 🙂

We get disproportionately thrilled about a situation because most of us will “idealize” a person in the very beginning stages. It’s so easy to get lost in what you want out of something, and sometimes those expectations are unrealistic! If you really humble yourself, remind yourself that this new person is human and not perfect. Mistakes will be made, you must be ready to cope and forgive, rather than react and project your own insecurities and self-denial and skewed thoughts.

Be generous and give them space. Every time you initiate contact wait for them to send it back. Don’t keep on sending them messages or keep contacting them, etc. Have enough confidence and trust. If you’re on the needy side, you may be nervous and worried while you’re waiting. Learn to take a breather and if you’ve already sent them an e-mail or text message, or gave them a call and left a voice message there’s no need to do it again. Whenever you do get the urge to contact them again, remember that there are only a few possibilities here: They haven’t had a chance to respond.

Either they didn’t get your message yet, or they’ve been too busy or preoccupied to get back to you. If you trust this person, then you have to give him or her the benefit of the doubt and assume this is the case. Give them time to get back to you. If it becomes a pattern, though, it may be because:

  • The person is fickle.
  • They just aren’t interested…either way remember not everyone is for you and you aren’t for everyone that is the beauty of what makes us all different.

There is something for everyone and just because it doesn’t work out the way you want or think it will remember… It will all be OK. You will survive and you will meet other fascinating people. Part of it is creating better self-awareness about yourself. Take a moment to stop, look and listen from a third party point of view. Picture yourself as one of the characters in a film. What are they like, why is this happening? There is always a common denominator and that is YOU. Be easy on your self. Life challenges are here not to obstruct but to instruct. Take the time to embrace the lesson and move forward and create a stronger connection to your own self-identity and clear vision sans the clouded thinking of what is it that you want. Define your intentions and determine if they are sincere and redirect ulterior motives.

Get busy doing other things. People who are busy simply don’t have enough time to be needy; they’re always preoccupied with other things, and guess what? Those other things often make those people more interesting friends and romantic partners. If you have nothing better to do than to wait for someone to call or write back, then you’re probably bored (and you know what they say – if you’re bored, you’re boring). So what are you waiting for? Go volunteer. Learn a new language. Get a hobby. Join a club. Put yourself out there, apply yourself, and have fun! All your worries will fall away, and if and when the person gets in touch, it’ll be a delightful surprise, not a frantic relief!

Be the love you want to be. If you struggle with neediness, you’re probably a little lacking in the self esteem department. Ask yourself if you feel better about yourself, but the fact is that you are the only person who can really do that. You shouldn’t base your happiness on someone else. If you give some one the key to your heart you will always be the prisoner of it. It’s great that people can bring you happiness and be kind and thoughtful, but if they’re your only source of happiness, you might become angry or sad whenever they’re not around, and that can be very demanding for the other person! It makes them feel guilty, obligated and eventually, resentful towards you. Prove it to yourself that you don’t need anyone by doing things by yourself, or by being single, and the intention that you want a best friend or significant other, but you definitely don’t need them.

Trust the process. Trust and honor your own feelings. Neediness is often associated with a lack of trust, and sometimes a fear of abandonment. If you start doubting someone’s feelings for you, or their loyalty, ask yourself why you don’t trust them. Is it because they did something questionable? Or is it because someone in your past hurt you, and now you think this new person is going to do the same thing? If it’s the latter, then remind yourself that it’s not really fair to judge one person by another person’s actions, is it? If you really care for this person, and they’ve earned your trust, give it to them.

Learning Detachment

Detachment…the ability to somehow be in an experience and observe myself undergoing that experience…a witness of consciousness.

Through the ability to witness what happens to us, we can alleviate the tendency we all have to be overwhelmed by the intensity and immediacy of our reactions to events in our lives.

Detachment is critical in learning to love ourselves. The ideas of loving ourselves implies a relationship between the person to be loved or healed (ourselves) and the person who is doing the loving and healing (also ourselves). The more detachment we have about ourselves, the more we can both see what can help us and take the appropriate steps for getting closer to our goals and life vision.

Detachment allows us to become creative about our lives instead of either overly self-centered or overly self-critical…Imagine if you will that you are doing something (talking to a friend, working with others, eating) and then imagine you are standing in another part of the room, watching yourself. This can allow for a greater sense of objectivity about themselves and shift perspectives in an unexpected way, resulting in teaching oneself to see themselves in a way that is neutral and compassionate, but not self-protective.

Patterns dominate when we can’t see them. The practice of detachment, deep listening and creative power that we can bring into our own relationship with ourselves sets a model for our relationships with other people. We learn to accept, love and engage our own feelings. It creates integrity and oneness within ourselves. That feeling of oneness is no longer a fear we have for ourselves with others. If we have nothing to hide from ourselves we have nothing to hide form others. We can give more to others because we give to ourselves.

Our emotional bodies are healed when we can allow ourselves to grieve our illusions about our past, illusions that keep us in self-denial. By acknowledging the depth of anger, pain and fear that are apart of life’s inheritance, we let vision rather than fear determine who we are. We become creative rather than driven. We develop an inner sense of higher calling and personal destiny rather than finding the rules that exist within external social standards. We nurture relationships based on that sense of higher calling rather than on fear, power struggles or emotional manipulation. All the events of our lives become vehicles for personal self-enrichment and higher values which creates a new dimension of spiritual self-creation.


%d bloggers like this: